


The Onion Fic

by farquaad



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Breaking and Entering, Crack, M/M, Shrek AU, god how do i tag this?, i swear i write serious fics too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-09-01 16:33:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16768825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farquaad/pseuds/farquaad
Summary: prompt: dan is shrek, phil is an onionThank you thisissogayalexaplayprettyodd on Tumblr for the prompt!





	The Onion Fic

**Author's Note:**

> I can't even complain that this was prompted to me because a) it was fun to write and b) this is the branding I chose when I chose a URL like the one I have

“Hey, Dan, look at this,” my friend Pinocchio said to me one day in the cafeteria as he nudged me with his elbow.

“What’s up?” I asked.

He didn’t say anything. Instead, he handed me his phone.

Pinocchio’s phone was tiny in my large green hand. I ignored the feeling of despair that filled me as I looked down at the size of the small device compared to my monstrous palm.

I was an ogre but I went to a normal school. Most of my fellow students ignored me but I had managed to make a few friends. It was nice to be able to get an education but a part of me missed Donkey and the muddy swamp that used to be my home.

I refocused my attention and looked at what was on the phone screen. It seemed to just be a still picture of an onion. I kept moving my eyes over the screen to see if I could find something funny about it but it just looked like an onion to me.

“There’s this account that’s just been livestreaming that onion sitting on a counter. Nothing has happened yet. So far it’s just been 18 straight hours of an onion sitting there,” Pinocchio explained.

I nodded to show that I heard him, but I was distracted. The more I looked at the onion the more drawn to it I felt. It was an attractive onion, as far as onions go. It was nice and round with a shiny bronze outside.

“Do you think you could trace the IP address of the person streaming this?” I asked before I could stop myself.

“Yeah, probably,” Pinocchio replied. “Why? You wanna know who’s in charge of Onion Fest 2018?”

“That’s what it’s called?” I asked.

“Not officially. It’s just what people around school have started calling it.”

I hummed.

“If you got the IP address you could get this person’s actual address, right?” I asked. My eyes had not left the screen in front of me.

“Probably,” Pinocchio said hesitantly.

“Do it then. Please. It’s important,” I said.

Eventually, Pinocchio coughed up the address and I was on my way there.

When Pinocchio didn’t recognize the address as being anyone from school, I promised him I’d wait so we could go check it out together.

Obviously, I lied.

I didn’t want to but I had to. That onion was special. It was like it was calling to me and I needed to see it in real life.

The sound of my dark brown burlap boots skidding against the concrete under me was the only thing I heard as I approached the suburban house. It was nearing 7 pm so I hoped this would be an alright time to drop by.

I knocked on the door a few times but nobody answered. Then I saw a doorbell so I tried that.

_**Ding dong.** _

Still no answer.

All the lights were off in the house and there were no cars in the driveway. Maybe this person was on vacation?

I was about to leave when the thought of that beautiful fresh onion filled my mind. I needed to see it. Just this once. With that thought fueling me, I decided to try opening the front door.

Surprisingly, it was unlocked.

I pushed it open more and stepped inside. I wandered around the house until I found a room that resembled the one I saw in the background of the livestream.

It looked like the livestream was taking place in the kitchen of the house. The laptop was open on the counter in front of the onion. The only light illuminating the room was from the changing lights in the garden shining through the kitchen window.

I had to admit that the onion looked pretty good with the slow fade of the multi-colored lights reflecting off its sheen coating.

The laptop was facing away from me so I closed it, effectively ending Onion Fest 2018. Now I could have the onion all to myself.

_Why did you end the stream?_ I heard a male voice ask.

“Who are you? Where are you?” I said out loud, frantically looking all around me.

_The onion. My name is Phil._

“What? How is that possible?” I asked.

_Why wouldn’t it be possible?_

“Because you’re an onion!”

_And that makes me bad? Dumb? Stupid? Because I’m a vegetable? People say the same things about ogres, Dan._

“How do you know my n-?”

_Onions have layers, Dan. Just like ogres do._

“Layers or not, a sentient onion is not normal!” I asked.

_Normalness leads to sadness, you know._

“Fine. Whatever. Whose house is this anyway?”

_Mine, it seems._

“You’re an onion. You can’t own a house!”

_Do you see anyone else here? I haven’t. Not in a few days._

“Hmm. Do you get lonely here by yourself?”

_Yes, you have no idea._

“That’s too bad. A lovely onion like yourself doesn’t deserve to be lonely,” I said with a pout.

_You’re quite lovely, too, Dan. I know you’ve probably got a busy life, but would you keep coming round to visit me?_

“I don’t see why not.”

_Yay! You’re the best, Dan! Even if that woman, Fiona I think, comes back, you have to promise me you’ll find a way to come back and keep talking to me._

“I will. I promise.”

_You know it’s only a matter of months before I start rotting away..._

“I don’t care. I’ll come visit you every day until that happens.”

_Really?_

“I swear on my mother’s swamp.”

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: farquaadphilly (I swear I post actual regular fics please read them I'm sorry)


End file.
